From my wonderings…What do you like about being male?

It has been over a year since i have posted.  Many factors including months of physiotherapy after a car accident in November 2009 made it difficult to find the emotional space to write.  2011 is upon us and its time to begin looking ahead as well as reflect on the past year. One recent  experience I had was when I participated in a “Mens only consultation”Equality and HIV Men’s Perspective’ which was held November 30, 2010 at the Medallion Hall Hotel, Kingston, Jamaica. “A male only space” was created which excluded women. It was interesting to be part of a group of 50 Jamaican man who came from a cross section of the society. It was interesting to both participate and observe the process. I was quiet for the most part as I took it all in. The moderator challenged us to be aware that there were many different types of men in the space some reserved, others expressive with loud voices, others spoke from a whisper but non the less each had a place and a voice. The question was asked “what do you like about being a man? the Jamaican male psyche found opportunity for expression. This has prompted me to ask my male readers what do you like about being a man. I look forward to hearing what the responses will be . I know your going to ask what did the guys in the session share…..i can only tell you what i shared….i enjoyed being a father…..  so this is a quick post to begin the process of sharing again. Happy New year when it comes…you will hear more of my ponderings  and my wonderings!  walk good till next time.

I Smell rain……..

it feels like i have been dry for a long time. In retrospect the three weeks away from one of my jobs has help me smell rain again. Rain for me is a metaphor for renewal, for joy, for new growth, for change. Change that word can irk me sometimes, because it means leaving the comfort zone. But change is always happening, always in process.  if its not, then death has set in. So i wonder what will unfold when this shower passes over me. He shall lead me beside the still waters the Psalmist David quietly states. Yes beside the still water I will drink,  he reminds us,  as the Great Shepherd of our soul hovers by, sometimes away from our sight but none the less ever present. I smell rain…… Do you smell it…what needs renewal and awakening in your life in this season. Is it a work that you need a re-visioning or is in your personal journey with God or is it in a relationship? May you indeed experience a refreshing. Walk good till next time

Coping with the Tyranny of Pain….

The past days I have been wrestling with what to share on this blog as it has been some time (4 Months) since I made an entry. The past months have been a cornucopia of physical pain, emotional exhaustion and challenging work as I have sought to make sense of the changes in my body, the challenges of midlife, a heavy work load and economy in recession.

I have been living with physical pain for some time now. When the spasms hit I can only say that I cringe and am reminded of my humanity. I don’t speak often of my pain because I don’t want statements of self pity to be beam in my direction. I am often reminded that I am not the only one who walks with pain. I listen daily to the emotional and physical pains of my patients. Sometimes it is overwhelming, sometimes it is chilling as I listen to the broken hearts that spin around an axis of grief.

As a therapist I see the world through peculiar lens. I get to listen to the stories of peoples lives in a way that many that have voyeuristic tendencies would squeal with delight. But for me it is not soap opera that is enacting itself before my eyes. Its real tears, real pain, real questions, real desire to find answers. For some it is a denial of the pain, but as they slowly discover that someone is listening there is an amazing transformation that unfolds before me.

Occasionally a patient will stop and ask me…So Andre or as many like to call me Doc. How do you do this day in day out…what gives you the courage to do this. I often smile and tell them it is a privilege to be present in people’s lives. There is a wonder and an amazement that I experience as I listen and see growth take place before me in my patients and in my own personal journey. But pain must be part of the journey. Pain comes before joy.

So what to do with your pain.

1. Find someone who will listen really listen.
2. Adjust your life to address the issues that will create health for you
3. Keep a journal to keep perspective.
4. Understand the stages and the work of grief
5. Take time to rest and this includes having a Mental Health Day
6. Learn to experience your inner Child/emotional self
7. Maintain your spiritual life

I want you to know that I see my Doctor regularly, take my medication and other exercises and refuse to given into the tyranny of pain. There are bigger issues to content with in this life and it is not going to prevent me from doing what has to be done one day at a time.

So my dear reader . What is your pain? What is hurting you today? Do you have someone to listen to you? What resources do you have access to address your pains? I would love to hear from you! Walk good till next time!

My burden at 4am

I cant tell you his name but i can tell you he is a young Jamaican man of Afro-Caribbean stock who is what we call a Deportee. He made some serious mistakes in his youth and ended up in the drug trade and got incarcerated for a number of years. He lost himself in that prison. Found himself in deep Depression which became compounded by his Cannabis usage. The Ganja was to numb his pain. The reality is that he had lost himself long before prison. He had Charisma, the male beauty that Chic magazine wanted on their cover and the girls wanted in their bed. But even i could see the cracks at the foundation. The hidden pain at the foundation of his soul. I told him I saw his pain and he grimiest and look at me in shock because he had spent so much time cultivating a mask to make the onlooker see an illusion. but i saw the pain and it frightened him but afterwards the awareness that he was accepted somehow eased the pain. Now he faces himself. faces the pain of his childhood. learnt how to grieve, to cry to speaks truth to himself. He faces too the reality of a Nation not prepared for his return with a very unforgiving spirit. He knows all too much the shame of rejection. Such is the plight of the Deportee. A black Jamaican male with promise. Not so cocky now but needing the embrace of a new chance and the great comfort of hope.
This is what burdens my heart at four am in the morning. This is what leads me to pray, because in the end someone must care, because this is the future of the Nation. I recognize not all Deportees carry the gun or only want to destroy.

It is Easter monday today as i write, i think about the fact he has no job and no one willing to help him. I think about the thousand resume’s he has sent and the fact he has no money….. I think about the fear in peoples eyes when they hear his accent and turn away……Deprotee……but he has hope!….maybe tomorrow someone will see him…. as I see him and give him another Chance….. Have you given someone whom you feel does not deserve another chance the opportunity to try again? Walk good till next time

Suddenly history is made….a goal is conquered

On Wednesday of this week (March 17, 2009) Wealth Magazine was officially presented to the Jamaican public at club FICTION in Kingston. The brain child of Leighton Davis and Garth Walker of Creative Media and Events.  The magazines Demographic focus is on reaching young talented and upcoming Entrepreneurs in Jamaica and the Caribbean. I had the amazing opportunity to be part of the maiden voyage and what an amazing and challenging process it was. For a magazine to be conceived and published in eight weeks is hardly heard of but it was done. 

I had an epiphany while sitting in the VIP lounge…history was being made and a goal conquered in the midst of a Recession. Sometimes in adversity innovation and the pursuit of excellence rises us to the top if we are willing to embrace the challenges and per sue the vision God gives us. 

My article focused on having a Spiritual Mission…. i wont tell you any more as you have to get a copy for yourself to read. But i remind myself and you my reader that taking on the Agenda of God is what leads us into the promised land.  Walk good till next time!

A time to Listen in 2009!

2009 will make its entrance in less than four hours (my time) and I have been reflecting on the word Selah found in the Psalms. Selah when given a rough translation means “Weight” an interesting word to stick at end of a stanza. But it really was to create opportunity to stop and reflect on the value of what was shared previously and to perpare one to listen to what else the writer was about to sing. To really Listen is hard work. Demanding work, necessary work. I make my living listening to others. To listen means to be present, to be engaged, and often to stand in awe.  As 2009 approaches I would encourage my soul to listen. There is much to be heard from Nature, from children, from the elderly, from the Scriputes, from the songs that express the longing of my heart and yours. So I close 2008 with this thought and remind you that despite the economic challenges there is still great opporutnities to make the quality of our lives better and ample opportunity to serve our fellow men. Walk good

The day of questions….the day of laughter…!

The quest for connection and intimacy is a part of the journey of being human. For some the quest is quietly persued with gentle hints here and there. it is a metered persuit. often a deliberate persuit for closeness, for belonging, for community. For others there is a loud announcement. There is a clear parade with all the fanfare. You know that person is present and wants to be heard and seen. They will approach you and unashamedly ask you to be their friend. You know you will enjoy the ride and the journey.

I am amazed as I look back at my own journey towards closeness with friends. Often their are days of questions filled with days of laughter.  My friends come to me from many walks of life. Some from countries far away (Nigeria, Liberia, Curacao, Netherlands, Netherland Antilees etc)  some from among my family of origin. But they are my friends. They paint different colours and bring different gifts into my life. Recently I met a Pastor who quickly became my friend. With him I feel safe. He did not see me through the eyes of the professional only. But listened to the subtle nuances of my person. I was shocked, even frightened at times that he could understand me in such a real way. Friends like him are rare. They know how to listen to the music your heart makes and to be present to enjoy and celebrate and challenge and well dare i say it, love.

Often the literature addressing the issue of Male to Male friendships indicate that men on a whole don’t have closeness in their friendships. They do things together, but do not necessarily share on an intimate level. Often there is the issue of homosexual panic. That suddenly the closeness may become sexual. like the story of the man who hugged his friend and had an erection out of the experience. His friend hugged him tigher and told him. I know that you love me my friend. I can feel it. Their friendship deepened after that day and no there was no homosexal inteaction, they simply cared for each other as is often the truth of deep friendships. It could be argued that in friendships there is a suppression of the sex drive which finds its expression instead in the deep caring that emerges. But that may be too heady for those of us who live in a homophobic society such as Jamaica.

The gift of friendship is to be cherished! The ancients often saw friendship as even deeper than romantic love. I often think of King David in the Old Testament who had Jonathan. Jonathan saw David and loved him. No homoerotic love here, but simply the knitting of two souls in platonic love. I wish you will find friends in your life. That you will find the joy of being loved through the eyes of another. Until we meet again. Walk good!

Redeeming the Male Ego…..and the call to Fathering the Jamaican male

I have taken up the challenge of fathering the next generation. I have found a deep yearing in my soul to mentor and provide care for the fatherless in my country. And believe me there are many. I have the time, the heart, and some resouces and with the support of my wife and my church community have launced on the adventure. In my other blog “Letters to my Father” I wrote about the recent addition to my family in the person of John (not his real name). John has now become a part of the household. We see him smiling now. A lot of the repressed and suppresed feelings have begun to emerge. We find deep kindness in this soul. We also find a broken heart with sadness and anger and also in the midst hope. My wife and I stand amazed as we see the evidence of how a little love and attention can literally change a heart. Now we are not blind to the fact that there are storms ahead. That is a normal part of the process. And we are prepared to walk it through as we have done in the lives of the other men and women that we mentor. As i write i think of Alrick, Damion, Jason, Denzil…our lives have intersected and it has never been the same again. I think to of the many who have never heard the voice of a father calling their name. Who will call them by name and help them find their place in the world. I call on you who read this article to think about taking up the mantle to reach out and father, reach out and mentor, reach out and make a difference in a young mans life.

I offer in this entry the full excert from Bishop Peter Morgan recent article in our local paper the Gleaner published today. I have know Bishop Morgan since my adolescence and have witnessed his ministry locally and overseas. 

Redeeming the Male Ego

ublished: Saturday | October 4, 2008

C.B. Peter Morgan, Contributor

The following is an edited excerpt of a presentation made by Bishop C.B. Peter Morgan, of Kingston City Church, at last Saturday’s ‘Men on a Mission 2008′ conference, which was held at the Emmanuel Apostolic Church. Bishop Morgan spoke on the topic ‘Understanding the Male Ego and Male Identity’.

It is the premise of this conference today that the transformation of our society and nation demands an adjustment to the fundamental understanding of our manhood and the role that our males must play within the society domestically and in the public arena.

Hence, the topic of my presentation ‘Understanding the Male Ego and Male Identity’.

To do so, I have used as my primary reference the biblical account of the origin of man which, whether we take it literally or not, provides an account of the codes which formulated original man and which are preserved in the collective consciousness of who we are as the male of the species.

Characteristics of identity

It is my finding that male identity is rooted in the male ego. Unfortunately, we have come to identify man first and dominantly as a sexual being. That is only one characteristic of his identity.

The biblical account of the origin of man in Genesis 2:7-24, demonstrates that the male of the species was created, and was environmentally cultured, to have a strong ego. There are three pivotal characteristics around which his identity is shaped:

Man is first and foremost a spiritual being who must understand himself in relation to God. Man has an affinity to the divine: “… (God) breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.” v.7

Man was made a spiritual soul by being inspired by the breath of God. Hence to his ego was given a God-likeness, a strong sense of identity with the nature of God.

n Man must identify himself in relation to his environment along with the vocational responsibility he bears to be a good steward of God’s creation.

- Identification with the earth: ”The Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground. “( v.7)

Man was made from the dust of the earth. His ego is strongly ‘turf conscious’ and physically defined with a sense of territorial authority. The male ego has a natural affinity to the earth. It is outbound, identifying with the natural spatial, external world.

- Achievement driven: ”God planted a garden eastward of Eden, and there He put the man whom He had formed” (vv.8-14)

“God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to tend and keep it.” (v.15)

Man was placed within a natural environment of untapped mineral and vegetableresources which it was his responsibility to explore and develop.

Original man was mandated to tend and keep his garden, and to provide protection and care for his environment. The ego strength of man was to protect, to produce and provide adequately for his material needs. His ego is wired to achieve economically within the market place on behalf of his family.

Man emerges as a sexual creature in relation to his counterpart in whom he saw himself, and with whom he now engages in the intimate process of procreating and so preserving the human race. “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” (v.18)

Man was made the natural source and father of the human race in two ways – husbanding and fathering. These are the twin elements in the fruitfulness of his seed. It is interesting to note that God trained the man first in animal and agro husbandry before He gave him to a female sexually.

The ego of a man has the capacity to love (as a husband) his wife heroically unto death. In this, is the ego of man satisfied.

A man is not fulfilled in his manhood until he has fathered his own image and likeness. Fatherhood is a creative instinct of being the originator or author or seed bearer of a dream. This may be achieved bio-genetically, or culturally or spiritually. Hence, in the name of a man is the pride of his ego.

In these two (above) is the ego of man satisfied.

All men are created with an ego identity which defines his posture and sense of authority as a male man. The problem with man is that sin has twisted the core of his being and deregulated his ego. Because man has shrugged off God, sin clouds his perception and warps his judgment so he has become a danger to himself, abusive toward others, destructive to his environment, and derailed from his original created purpose.

Dysfunctional males

 
Bishop C.B. Peter Morgan (with back turned), of Kingston City Church, speaks with attendees from Majesty Gardens who were at The Gleaner-sponsored ‘Men on a Mission 2008′ conference last Saturday. – Photos by Norman Grindley/Acting Photography Editor

In his effort to cling to his ego power, he has turned inward in selfish, self-gratifying, self-deifying and ultimately self-destructive ways. Man has learned to manipulate the society, shape its laws, ‘garrisonise’ its people, politicise its power to establish and maintain his ego pride. Man’s defective ego functions have become his greatest weapon of mass destruction.

But the evidence today. especially in Jamaica, is that historical, cultural and in our social upbringing. we have raised generations of weak-willed men, men with a defective ego, who have become disoriented, gender confused, feminised and often subjugated by so call strong women.

It must be noted that the level, extent and nature of the dysfunctionality of our males are dependent on the nature of their socio-cultural orientation, and the conscious efforts made to compensate and counteract these elements destructive to the male ego.

For example, a strong wholesome male identity is evident in the maroon and Rastafarian communities. The maroon society has preserved a strong ego strength in their males, while the Rastafarian culture has ingrained the element of domestic and social pre-eminence amongst its male youths.

Restoring male ego

God still pursues men and restores them from the inside out. A restored male ego begins with refocusing the soul to become a new man in Christ with a restoredrelationship to his Father Creator, a faithful companion to the female of the species, and to assume God’s original intention for his life as steward of God’s creation environment.

It is our challenge today to mentor our young men in every sphere of our society to preserve and mature the integrity of the male ego.

First, in order to do so, I recommend that our male population must close ranks. The major conflicts, tensions, prejudices and crimes are men-on-men.

Be men first and then count the differences (age, education, social status, sexual rivalry etc)

Second, we must take up as a national challenge the responsibility to mentor the next generation. We have examples to follow:

The Church has within its history a long tradition of mentorship and discipleship designed to bring its young converts into a mature relationship with Christ, and to make them strong witnesses in convincing others to accept the Christian faith. Less obvious is its efforts to equip its members with the faith and disposition to become good citizens within their nation and good stewards within their communities.

What is less acknowledged is the effective mentorship of our young men done, not within the environment of the socially and educationally privileged but amongst the less privileged where they are culturally empowered to resist the traditional values of ‘main stream society’.

The most prominent male heroes of our society today are the young men who have emerged with a dominant ego strength displayed in the fields of sport, on the stages of entertainment and in the street culture of confrontational leadership. They have emerged from the often neglected inner-city communities.

Generally, biblical teachings and the Jewish culture portray the significance of mentorship in the succession of authority and responsibility and values, in vocational, relational and religious spheres of life in the upbringing of our males.

Our best example is the relationship between Jesus of Nazareth and His core disciples who succeeded Him and who ‘turned the world upside down.’

Keys for unlocking identity

Here are 10 codes to unlock the male ego and to restore wholesome male identity:

The male ego is example led. (Men follow men.) He responds to a strong and positive image example which declares ‘Follow Me, I know who I am’. Boys need heroes, example-setting fathers, achievers, etc.

The male ego must be personally called. He responds to those who express confidence and trust in him. Men are best responsive, if privately attended to. They fear public shame and exposure.

The male ego is purpose-driven. He is attracted to a clear vision which declares ‘I know where I am going .. seek the kingdom of God.’

The male ego has leadership aspiration. Whatever/whoever can empower and engage the pride of a man will attract his commitment. “Follow me, I will make you to become fishers of men” ”You shall receive power‘. Every man wants to be a leader

The male ego thrives on affirmation. “This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.” “No longer do I call you servants. You are My friends. As the father has sent Me, so send I you.”

The male ego demands faith. Men need something to believe in (personal conviction) Every man is adventure driven, a risk taker. Men need a cause to conquer.

The male ego is inspired by hope. Men need a sense of guaranteed success. (establish ‘The acceptable year of the Lord’). If others have done it, he will go after it.

The male ego seeks love. He longs for someone to trust (a covenantal bond), and for someone to trust in him. More, men love to care and pride in the achievement of committed love.

The male ego longs for integrity. Men must be restored to their Source, ie their Father in order to rediscover themselves and become whole (integrated). That was the mission of Christ. He reconciled men back to God. “I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but by Me.” Men want the real thing.

The male ego is fulfilled in its quest to achieve fatherhood. Men find pride in replicating themselves through their seed. Otherwise, they thrive on being mentors, somebody’s hero.

In his way, they stamp their image on the next generation in order to leave their name behind. “As many as received Him, to them He gave the authority to become sons of God.“

Bishop C.B. Peter Morgan may be reached at bishop.petermorgan@yahoo.comn 

Lonely People Feel Hungry!

Many of my fellow Jamaican and Caribbean people struggle with Loneliness. This is being experienced not only by adults but by our children. The migration of friends and family to “Other waters” often leaves a major gap in peoples social world that can lead to many emotional and physiological problems. I see this in my practice where clients will tell me of the deep pain of being disconnected from those whom they love or feel a deep attachment. Sometimes this leads to episodes of Depression for others its the emergence of anxiety symptoms.

Loneliness for Caribbean people as among any people group is not just related to migration. It comes out of the challenged relationships people forge with family, friends, peers et cetera. When there is disruption in these relationships people can end up feeling lonely and isolated.

The issue of communication i feel plays a major role in this. We struggle as a people to listen to each other. We struggle to listen to the underlined needs being expressed during the process of dialogue with our significant others. Jamaicans for example can be very hung up on the “Tone”  people speak in as this is part of the communication style. So if i speak in a tone that is offensive to you, then you tune me out and do not hear the facts or the message I am trying to send during my conversation with you. If this continues this will lead to frustration and eventually emotional isolation. wow be the tide if I am your child and i don’t have the acquired skills to communicate what is my core issue. We must off course manage out attitudes towards each other but we must also learn to listen to the facts and address those issues. Because behind feelings are needs we must also learn the skill of listening to that as well. This prevents the damage of being disconnected for too long.

Recent studies from the University of Chicago highlight the dangers of loneliness on the human being. The study shows:

Feelings of loneliness take a variety of forms, Cacioppo said.
“There are three core dimensions to feeling lonely—intimate isolation, which comes from not having anyone in your life you feel affirms who you are; relational isolation, which comes from not having face-to-face contacts that are rewarding; and collective isolation, which comes from not feeling that you’re part of a group or collective beyond individual existence,” he said.
It is not solitude or physical isolation itself, but rather the subjective sense of isolation that Cacioppo’s work shows to be so profoundly disruptive.

The studies, reported in a new book, Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, show that a sense of rejection or isolation disrupts not only abilities, will power and perseverance, but also key cellular processes deep within the human body.
The findings suggest that chronic loneliness belongs among health risk factors such as smoking, obesity or lack of exercise, according to lead author John Cacioppo, the Tiffany & Margaret Blake Distinguished Service Professor in Psychology at the University.

“Loneliness not only alters behavior, but loneliness is related to greater resistance to blood flow through your cardiovascular system,” Cacioppo said.

“Loneliness leads to higher rises in morning levels of the stress hormone cortisol, altered gene expression in immune cells, poorer immune function, higher blood pressure and an increased level of depression.
Loneliness also is related to difficulty getting a deep sleep and a faster progression of Alzheimer’s disease, said Cacioppo.

The experience of Loneliness is often  part of the pain of Mental illness. Please take time to reach out to those whom you know are suffering with an illness that affects their brain. Sometimes it is simply being “Present” that helps persons who struggle in this area of life.

As a Therapist I seek to be present with my clients. Often there is silence, sometimes anger, sometimes peels of laughter as the realization that someone really want to be there for them in that moment.

To you who are struggling with Loneliness I encourage you to sit down with someone to talk about it. Plan times in your busy schedule to sit with those who will listen and consider investing in a pet.  Though pets are not human they give unconditional love and attention, especially dogs, plus the care of a pet is know to lower your blood pressure and improve your well being. Caring for the pet may also bring you in touch with other pet lovers and thus provide social contact which may provide opportunity to deal with your loneliness. Until next time!

I can’t wait for Gustav…..dealing with my hurricane fatigue!

Suffering from Hurricane fatigue is not uncommon in this part of the World. Been there done that! over and over again, at least awaiting Gustav has me experiencing De Ja Vue and the angst that comes with it. It feels a bit eerie that in a few hours we will be drenched from the heavens and most likely Jamaica Public Service will turn off the electricity and the Pubic water supply will be off as well and wont be restored for a number of days. Memories of hurricanes past (Gilbert for eg) come flooding into my mind in technicolour and i try to remind myself that this too will pass…because I really hate hurricanes. I’m reminded that I am not the only one in my small island home that hates hurricanes. I have compassion for those for whom this will evoke very sad memories and very frightening memories as well. I think of those who have yet to recover from the last one that passed us by. but I am also reminded  that this too will fade to memory and we will go on to the other things of life.

The children on my avenue are oblivious to Gustav, as they continue the Olympic spirit with timed races using their DiGICEL, phone shouting with glee when the race is over. The future Usain Bolts, Asafa Powell”s and Veronica’s are dashing at great speed past the car as I make my way to my home. So while I concern myself with Gustav they race towards fulfilling their inner dreams of greatness. Oh to be a child again some would say. But I’m reminded that though the Gustav’s of this world come shouting, our dreams must be heard even louder and our faith in Someone bigger than usm will help us make them a reality. Come Gustav hurry up and pass nuh!